You Said A Mouthful
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Your friend who talks faster than a Crossfire-quizzed defense team calls:
 
Your Friend: I was just thinking "{audio garbled by cognitive dissonance}".
 
You: What?
 
Your Friend: My date cancelled.
 
You: No, I mean - what did you say?
 
Your Friend: My date cancelled and I was just thinking 'I should be getting it from behind right about now.'
 
You: I see. OH MY GOD! YOU SAID, "I SHOULD BE GETTING IT FROM BEHIND RIGHT ABOUT NOW."
 
Your Friend: Never know what's going to come out of my mouth, huh?
 
There are arguments brains refuse to process. Take Roy Horn's brain, for instance. Roy Horn went out on stage with tigers night after night for years. You'd think he'd heard everything the big cats had to say. One night, he issues an order.
 
Roy: Do this.
 
Big Cat: Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.
 
There are two ways this scenario can proceed.
 
Scenario One
 
Roy: What if I get you Kitty's phone number?
 
Big Cat: No, I mean it, the reflection off your epaulets is killing me.
 
Roy: I see your point. We'll try again at tomorrow's matinee.
 
Big Cat: Thanks, and I'll quit picturing you wearing steak sauce and a smile.
 
Scenario Two
 
Roy: I assert my dominance. Quit laughing. What if I bonk you on the snout with this microphone?
 
Big Cat: I wouldn't…
 
Roy: BONK!
 
Big Cat: I remind you that you are made of meat.
 
Faster than you can say "Chow chow chow" the white tiger had a snack by the throat, punctuating his feline point - if you will - by dragging the trainer off the stage and depositing him in the wings more efficiently than a Gong Show stage hook. Terrifying? Yes. Surprising? Not so much. Tidy? You bet. The tiger is arguably four times your weight, but you're from Jersey. What would happen if someone bonked your nose with a microphone? Right: you'd fork over your annual paycheck for your victim's court-ordered rhinoplasty.
 
While it cannot prevent alarming mental pictures from forming, attentive listening can prevent assault charges, not to mention lengthy stays in Intensive Care. When Rush Limbaugh temporarily lost his hearing, we should have guessed he'd quit listening to reason too. When we heard what California's gubernatorial candidates were saying, we should have supposed we were in for it now, which we surely are. When we hear whispered a Chevron oil tanker's been named for Condoleeza Rice, we ought to take the by-gum leap and figure someone's got our number. Time to clean out our ears and press them to the ground.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman