Mild, Wild Life
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

An old woman came to the door. She had loaves of outdated bread and an innocent face. She asked whatever we felt like giving her. We had two dollars. We gave her two dollars. A loaf of inedible bread sat for a week, until IFC aired "Ayn Rand - A Sense of Life," which so perturbed Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love we hopped into the car and cleaned out the Italian grocery for fresh mozzarella. While the relationship between twentieth century philosophers and cheese remains mysterious, next thing you know our landing party stood on a muddy Route 27 golf course, winging stale bread at suspicious geese, a last stop before the sanctuary of the Princeton Record Exchange.
 
New Jersey has a wildlife problem. As development encroaches on lands with furry inhabitants the inhabitants have no place to go but into backyards and out onto highways. Debate about what to do has raged for years, with suggestions ranging from unfortunate to unbelievable. Hunters have said, "We can kill the interlopers and eat them." Horrified, some gentle souls sought to sterilize the animals through birth control drugs. Though one forms a disconcerting mental picture of deer breaking into the 7-Eleven at 3 a.m. for Haagen-Dazs, it is true we saw a giant buck strolling down a driveway, perhaps collecting the afternoon mail.
 
The Princeton Record Exchange has its own practical infestation, usually kids under the tables flipping through the $1 records. While CDs new and used fill racks along the walls, it's the vinyl customers go there for, and the volume of vinyl can be overwhelming. Your Smoked Gouda walked around and around the bins until she found an odd category: "Personalities." This was next to "Comedy" so exploration was in order. After flipping twice through the bin's contents, which included something by Gina Lollobrigida, Your Queso Blanco can honestly say she has no idea what she saw, but in that aisle she learned Moms Mobley albums are a popular trade-in.
 
It's a good sign when songs playing in a store remind one of a hole one wishes to plug in the personal collection. Overhead, Harry Nilsson's "Jump into the Fire" sent Your Fresh Parmagiana to "Rock-N" for "Son of Shmilsson." Since PRE buys record collections, what's there is, and this time it was, complete with the lyric sheet/poster. Victory! Other Holy Grails were not, but surprises were around every corner. We could not pass up Bill Cosby's "I started out as a child", Sesame Street's "Grover Sings the Blues" and the soundtrack from the movie "Times Square" which Your Moscarpone clearly remembers stealing from a childhood friend. Who reads this column. Oops. Anyway, we accidentally confused the staff with questions about a sealed copy of "Jesus Christ Superstar" which was curiously silent about its identity (Ian Gillan was the only Jesus, no matter what Hollywood said.) At $30.99, we didn't take the chance we were backing the wrong horse.
 
The Princeton Record Exchange could use a vigorous alphabetizing, but it's a treasure hunt, right? And no record geeks were harmed in the writing of this column.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman