Parallel, Nonpareil
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Previously, on Altrok.com:
 
Scene: you turn pockets inside out and find lint; car chase; gift from Grandma ticks loudly; Sean Carolan discards yet another UPSed fruitcake; your checkbook screams for mercy.
 
It's still January, and you're still broke. That next paycheck's right around the corner, but for the moment you're stuck indoors with nothing to amuse you. Oh, the reruns. Oh, the returns debacles. Oh, the awards shows. Let's think about something else. How about that unnerving and potentially disastrous moment in every relationship when you combine music collections with your beloved?
 
Oh. Didn't think we were tackling the Hard Stuff, huh?
 
You find a starry-eyed mate, chap lips on their divine anatomical regions, exchange steamy emails and meet the parents. You discuss children or no children, who holds the checkbook, retirement plans, mortgage payments. You've faced the future bravely. You've bought jewelry, endured blood tests and health insurance questionnaires, flown to a state where you and your unique one can get legally hitched, but that one little detail has not escaped your notice: you haven't taken your records out of the crate, and darling's not volunteering to go first.
 
As an eternal optimist - let's say that - in the hunt for a fabulous companion, Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love has learned a few hard lessons regarding the compatibility of people and their music. It's more than a hunch. Enya fans might refer to it as experiential wisdom, were they to stop chanting and speak English. No matter how dearly you love your dear one, if they're listening to German death metal and you're picking up Elvis' collected hymns, your relationship's headed for divorce court.
 
To this end, Your Buttery Popcorn proposes some dating guidelines. Think of it as the musical chairs of love.
 
1. You love early eighties dance music; your darling loves the rock divas. Run for the hills, my sweet. Your Nonpareil believes this combination led to the inevitable creation of big hair metal bands and chrome/pink interior design. On the other hand, you could spawn children who create their own personal Seattle scene.
 
2. You love jazz; your darling loves jazz. You disagree on the significance of Charlie Parker. Not to worry. He's still dead, and you're in the THC-induced fog of love bliss. Hire someone to cook for you.
 
3. You love punk rock; your darling loves punk rock. Promising, isn't it? Did you meet at an AA meeting? If not, you know exactly what you'll put on as Saturday afternoon housecleaning music and you've hit the jackpot. If you met in a filthy bar on the Lower East Side, please procreate immediately before the pheromones wear off. It may be your only chance.
 
4. You love to sing anything, your darling loves to sing anything. Congratulations. You're my parents. All of them.
 
There you have it. Where music is concerned, we may keep secrets in case love fails and we need something that hasn't betrayed us. Unless, of course, you're really brave, and you're really in it for life.
 

©2003 Robin Pastorio-Newman