The 8-Ball: Day Four
by Lorraine Doran

[ALTROK's contributors have all turned to the Magic 8-Ball for a look at the newly-begun year. Today, Lorraine Doran gazes at the smoky glass blob.]


Will success in the music business continue to depend on how well one plays to fifteen year olds?

Magic 8-Ball: Most Likely

Lorraine: Now if we could just get more buying power into the hands of the kids listening to artists more interested in showcasing their song writing ability than their navels...


Which band will be the next to score a platinum seller after being hailed as "the next Pearl Jam"?

Magic 8-Ball: Reply Hazy Try Again

Lorraine: It’s out there. And it’s coming. Being derivative is just too easy.


Will large record companies support the "indie" artists that lend them credibility?

Magic 8-Ball: Better Not Tell You Now

Lorraine: Go ask Liz Phair.


Does last year’s release of records like Spiritualized’s "Let It Come Down", Tori Amos’ "Strange Little Girls" and Radiohead’s "Amnesiac" give us some hope for 2002?

Magic 8-Ball: As I See It Yes

Lorraine: These and so few others, but yes.


Will big corporations continue to introduce otherwise not very commercial music?

Magic 8-Ball: Outlook Good

Lorraine: Coldplay might’ve had the catchy hooks to make it out of the box without getting air play on an ABC promo. But the Volkswagen commercial worked for Nick Drake. And they say irony is dead. [No, but as for Nick Drake... - Ed.]


On a related note, will artists not lacking in money or exposure stop selling their songs to hawk Jaguars?

Magic 8-Ball: Don’t Count On It

Lorraine: There’s no shame in it if everyone’s doing it. Right?


Is the revolution in the suburbs?

Magic 8-Ball: Yes

Lorraine: It’s in suburban basements on home recording systems.


Now, about that new Liz Phair record...

Magic 8-Ball: Ask Again Later


Has Carson Daly sold his soul to satan?

Magic 8-Ball: It Is Certain

Lorraine: If anyone has a better way to explain this guy’s career, the 8-Ball is listening.


This J-Lo/P. Diddy thing really has me down. Will she come to her senses and take him back?

Magic 8-Ball: Very Doubtful

Lorraine: But if she did, it would doubtless inspire yet another confusing name change, a Barbara Walters special and record sales like you wouldn’t believe.


Other than the new Dylan record, will anything, well, good, get nominated for an Album of the Year Grammy?

Magic 8-Ball: My Sources Say No

Lorraine: Okay, sometimes the 8-Ball cheats. But only when the answer is obvious.

©2002 Lorraine Doran