What IS So Funny About Peace, Love and Understanding?
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

Last week, everyone who ever touched a keyboard reviled Clear Channel Communications when some of their staffers issued their 150-song list of possible sore spots. Those Clear Channel people, you see, feared you'd press that big OFF button on your radio. Your Diva LOVES when you press that button, not because you're in pain, but because corporate radio underestimates and reduces us. Perhaps we should applaud Clear Channel for showing us its true colors. Hey! The Emperor's nekkid, and he's been nekkid since 1981. It's about time *somebody* blushed.

Let's divide this into categories, shall we?

Ooooooooh, Such Unfortunate Imagery!
Blue Oyster Cult, "Burning For You"
Jerry Lee Lewis, "Great Balls of Fire"
Peter and Gordon, "I Go To Pieces"
Judas Priest, "Some Heads Are Gonna Roll"


Death! Death! Death! Sex and Death!
Led Zeppelin, "Stairway to Heaven"
Jimi Hendrix, "Hey Joe"
Filter, "Hey Man, Nice Shot"
Paper Lace, "The Night Chicago Died"


When Laws of Physics Attack!
Peter Gabriel, "When You're Falling"
Tom Petty, "Free Fallin'"
James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
Safaris, "Wipeout"

Charming Songs of Peace and Love to Slit Your Wrists By!
Louis Armstrong, "What A Wonderful World"
Cat Stevens, "Peace Train"
Hollies, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"
John Lennon, "Imagine"
Simon & Garfunkel, "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
Martha & the Vandellas/Van Halen, "Dancing In the Streets"
The Youngbloods, "Get Together"

We're On a Roll, So Out! Out! Babies With Bathwater!
Alanis Morissette, "Ironic"
Bobby Darin, "Mack the Knife"
The Bangles, "Walk Like an Egyptian"
The Clash, "Rock the Casbah"
All songs by Rage Against the Machine

Some of these songs were recorded and popularized during lengthy wars and a painful civil rights struggle. Your True Love promises!

Following Aaliyah's death, some reputable news source put up a page detailing historic ties between rock music and plane crashes. (The blacklist includes titles by Buddy Holly, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Ricky Nelson; Richie Valens and The Big Bopper failed to offend.) Connecting Clear Channel's same logic dots, rock music is then too sensitive a topic to discuss, confining us to chatter about polkas.

You, mon amie, aren't this kind of smeghead. You're among the fiercest human beings on the face of the planet, and the only thing you're scared of is a teenaged girl holding a positive pregnancy test. Right? So let's talk.

First, in the big unwritten songwriter's handbook, there's an important little rule: put the words 'fire', 'burn, 'smoke' into your title and you've upped your odds of writing a hit. You, oh listener, love this stuff. At the moment, you can't sleep and your pet sloth's on Paxil, but you'll love this stuff again. Your Diva promises!

Second, there is no shame in grief. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't feel however you do. So. Should you feel like playing "The Best of Glen Campbell" until even cows won't come home, do that. Should you realize that "Head Like a Hole" is your new anthem, good for you! Your Darling feels especially fortunate because she got what she needed: a great, great show by A Halo Called Fred, The Little Kingz and 100 Pounds of Porn. One brilliant moment: skinheads openly wept *and* laughed as 100 Pounds of Porn's Chris pinched his nose and sang "Keep On Rockin' In the Free World." You probably need something that does less property damage, but dancing and moshing work up a sweat and work off aggression. Your Sweet promises!

Third, Wrangler commercials with clean cut men and women patriotically nurturing children wearing red, white and blue, to the tune of - "Fortunate Son" - WHAT GIVES?

Finally, on last Friday's Oprah, BeBe and CeBe Wynans ignored whatever's bugging Clear Channel and sang a tear-up "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Later, during that evening's network fundraiser, Paul Simon warbled his hit - without the line, "I will ease your mind." The next day, Liza Minelli performed "New York, New York" to a thunderous ovation at a baseball game. So. We're getting over ourselves. Let's hope Clear Channel appreciates what that means.

You, there. Listen to me for just a moment. Remember where you are and how you feel. If you need a good cry, put on the soppiest song in your CD collection and cry your eyes out. You will feel better. My job here is to write about music, the diary of your heart. However, in the words of "The Cool, Cool River" by Paul Simon: "Sometimes, even music cannot substitute for tears."

©2001 Robin Pastorio-Newman