Smells Like Sicktory
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman

ALTROK Ordinals offers an educated guide to new music. [Seek them out in the Earlier Rants page! - Ed.] Your Darling, Your Diva, Your One True Love, after enduring a weekend of nauseating tunes, offers the inverse: a polite guide to music NO ONE should hear, ever again. These puketastic themes alert consciencious celebrants: evil is afoot. Shave heads. Check for numbers.

Proof that overly-mainstream-attractive men should refrain from contact with audio recording devices:

Bobby Goldsboro - Honey
Scott Baio - How Do You Talk To Girls?
John Travolta - Let Her In
John Tesh - Please don't make me list the albums, and let's not even discuss those Olympic gymnastics fiascos.

Retcherous! Handy hint: place records in 350 degree oven for 5 minutes. Remove, allow to cool slightly. While still warm to the touch, roll records into balls. Serves 4 bocci players.


Use only to clear houses after destructive parties, or against mobs bent on storming the castle:

Anyone singing in falsetto other than Aaron Neville; Sheena Easton, REO Speedwagon, Michael Bolton and his equally evil twin Kenny G., Anne Murray, Orleans, Vonda Sheppard, Styx, Kim Wilde, Whitney Houston, Steve Perry, Kenny Rogers, Firefall and especially Wings.

Yakariffic! While loathing McCartney projects may seem like rock and roll sacrilege, so is Uncle Albert. Eeeewwww.


Popularity of alarming compilations forces Your Diva's hand. For your own safety, march over to your collection and immediately break these singles:

.38 Special - Oh Nicole
Starship - We Built This City
Michael Martin Murphy - Wildfire
Stephen Bishop - On and On
Night Ranger - Sister Christian
Eddie Holman - Hey There, Lonely Girl
Kenny Loggins - This Is It

Gagnificent! Lone possible exception: these songs played on the car radio as you deflowered a tipsy prom queen while her football team captain boyfriend drunkenly spraypainted a watertower. If you displayed this degree of courage in the face of physical and melodic danger, keep the records. You're obviously impervious to pain. I fear you.


So skin-crawlingly, mind-twistingly, gut-wrenchingly bad that to run screaming constitutes making a genteel exit:

Paul Anka - You're Having My Baby
Minnie Ripperton - Loving You
Olivia Newton-John - I Honestly Love You
Andrea True Connection - More, More, More
Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again, Naturally
Ozzy Osbourne/Lita Ford - If I Close My Eyes Forever
Spandau Ballet - True
Rod Stewart - Tonight's the Night
Billy Paul - Me & Mrs. Jones
Donna Summer - Love to Love You, Baby
Vomitrocious! Persons foisting these selections upon you are NOT your friends. They should never be permitted to play with pets or children. Do not allow them to determine your life-support needs. They're trying to kill you. They do indecent things with your clean laundry and please don't ask for their recipes. Two words: "special sauce"!

©2001 Robin Pastorio-Newman