Recipe For Destruction
by Your Diva, Robin Pastorio-Newman
Last Wednesday, this column explored the horror of live music escapades gone wrong. Today, we gently touch upon how the Easter Bunny who looks both ways doesn't get flattened by the semi.
Your objective is to find live music glee without annoying a large gentleman in a SECURITY shirt: maximal fun, minimal facial scarring. First, let's talk about you. What music do you love? If dance music inspires you, you're going to clubs in a city or bars with football field-size dance floors, usually along major highways or in a meat packing district. (Don't wear your best shoes.) Other savants are better prepared to assist you in your search. Likewise, metal, death metal, goth, rap, country western, contemporary Christian and jazz fusion fans will find Your Diva short on specifics. To this, she says: Oops. You too require other fairy godmothers.
Punk rockers, it's time to amuse yourself at your own expense. You're going to karaoke, and you're prepared. You'll need:
Optional:
Through years of scientific experimentation, Your Diva determined the third shot marks most subjects' slurring threshold. When no one understands, an audience mistakes it for style and proclaims you a hero. You may now sing Louie Louie in public.
Apply antiperspirant, lipstick/baseball cap externally. Apply tequila internally. Do not apply lighter without medical supervision. You'll need that for gut-wrenching moment when some fool busts loose with a ballad. One hopes it's not you, unless you have third-party confirmation that you can really sing.
For added fun, read off the karaoke screen: "Musical break, 16 measures." One customer per evening.
Toys distract your friends during long waits for additional beverages, breaks between tunes and may serve to dramatize your near-irresistable desire to commit sepuku when some spud destroys your favorite song.
Apply Alka Seltzer to handy glass of water before bedtime. Take internally. Thank me later.
* * * * *
Even so, karaoke may not be your cup of lambrusco. Let's try that strange bar/live band combo again. Your Diva has a brilliant friend with an understated maxim: Nowhere with a ladies' night. On one hand, this rule may prevent your realizing that cherished Tony Manero fantasy. On the other, your delicate girlfriend's sledgehammer-like can of Vavoom maximizes her volume potential as she blasts a path out of the restroom. Suddenly, she's a Size 4 lumberjack and you empathize with woodland creatures.
In a strange bar, learn the lay of the land before scorching the earth. You'll need:
Apply lipstick, antiperspirant, black garment externally. Apply beverages internally. Keep cloak of invisibility within arms' reach to render less probable accidental contact with alien species.
Optional:
You'll figure it out.
Musicians on tour are not necessarily living the high life.
Be nice to them.
Safety first:
Musicians want to see you, they often like when you buy them drinks, a pizza or small private islands. Attempts to frisk them may result in a beating or unplanned pregnancy.
* * * * *
Your first few excursions may leave you cold. Like anything worthwhile, live music you love may take time to find. Buck up, my sweets! With all those fish in the sea, you've no need to eat cactus. Patience! Another weekend's on its way.
-Wise woman in a miniskirt and five-inch heels.
©2001 Robin Pastorio-Newman