for June 8, 2001


Michael Stipe Is Forty-One, and That's Only Two Years Older Than Tom Cruise, and Three Years Older Than Brad Pitt
by Sean Carolan, from an idea by Jennifer Moore

When we've got an idol, we ought to be in it for the long haul. Charlie Brown stuck by Marv Throneberry even when he was traded down to the minors. Fans still think Jerry Lewis is a genius. Elvis, indeed, is everywhere, despite his well-documented death. Who are we to jettison someone when they're down? We had them for their good years, so we need to be there for them when it all turns sour.

It looks like we have to start worrying about Michael Stipe.

Once, we were concerned that Michael was so quiet and introspective, he'd implode into a personality-based singularity. It didn't happen. Then we were concerned that Michael was getting thinner and balder. No problem, as it turns out - Michael comes from a long line of thin bald people.

Now comes this alarming set of items, under the headline "Broken Record of the Week", from the June 1 issue of Entertainment Weekly:

  • Item 1: "I'm only two years older than Tom Cruise and three years older than Brad Pitt." - Stipe in the May 21 issue of Time.


  • Item 2: "I'm two years older than Tom Cruise. I'm three years older than Brad Pitt." - In the May issue of Esquire.


  • Item 3: "Brad Pitt is exactly three years younger than me. Tom Cruise is two years younger than me." - in the May issue of Q Magazine.


    • For the first part of his career, nothing intelligible came from the mouth of Stipe. Then, when he decided we should understand what he had to say, he began to speak out on behalf of several causes (culminating in his MTV Video Music Awards appearance, where he accepted various awards wearing a variety of message T-shirts.)

    But now, having assured himself a bully pulpit with the gravity of the charities he's chosen to support actively, and with the ears of the general public, fan and non-fan alike, ready to lend credence to his every utterance...

    ...he wants us to know he's not that old.

    Mike, baby, you're as old as you feel. More importantly, if you feel you're old enough to defend your age, you're old enough to have to. And if you have to, then buy yourself white bucks and Sans-A-Belt slacks, 'cause an extended engagement at the assisted living facility is in your immediate future.

    We'll still buy your records, though. Keep us posted, and let us know when we can see you Live, Via Satellite, from Hawaii.

    ©2001 Sean Carolan